


Slytherin House Humour

by DBR_Augary



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Cursed Child - Thorne & Rowling, Merlin (TV)
Genre: Canon Compliant, F/F, F/M, Fluff, Gen, Headcanon, Humor, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Slytherins Being Slytherins
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-26
Updated: 2021-01-13
Packaged: 2021-03-10 17:54:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,283
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28241226
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DBR_Augary/pseuds/DBR_Augary
Summary: Humour based around characters from Slytherin. I have added characters from The Adventures of Merlin because they’re all definitely Slytherin and I love their characterisation.Ships:Salelga (Salazar x Helga)Morgerlin (Merlin x Morgana)Oriburga (Orion x Walburga)Cygruella (Cygnus x Druella)Rodoltrix (Rodolphus x Bellatrix)Tedromeda (Ted x Andromeda)Lucissa (Lucius x Narcissa)Marcrian (Adrian x Marcus)Drastoria (Draco x Astoria)Blansy (Blaise x Pansy)Thacey (Theodore x Tracey)Millaphne (Daphne x Millicent)Grince (Gregory x Vincent)Scorbus (Albus II x Scorpius)
Relationships: Andromeda Black Tonks/Ted Tonks, Astoria Greengrass & Daphne Greengrass, Astoria Greengrass/Draco Malfoy, Bellatrix Black Lestrange & Narcissa Black Malfoy & Andromeda Black Tonks, Bellatrix Black Lestrange/Rodolphus Lestrange, Cygnus Black/Druella Rosier Black, Draco Malfoy & Theodore Nott & Blaise Zabini & Vincent Crabbe & Gregory Goyle, Godric Gryffindor & Helga Hufflepuff & Rowena Ravenclaw & Salazar Slytherin, Helga Hufflepuff/Salazar Slytherin, Lucius Malfoy/Narcissa Black Malfoy, Marcus Flint/Adrian Pucey, Merlin/Morgana (Merlin), Millicent Bulstrode & Astoria Greengrass & Tracey Davis & Daphne Greengrass & Pansy Parkinson, Millicent Bulstrode/Daphne Greengrass, Mordred & Morgana & Morgause & Merlin (Merlin), Orion Black & Abraxas Malfoy & Tom Riddle, Orion Black/Walburga Black, Pansy Parkinson/Blaise Zabini, Rabastan Lestrange & Rodolphus Lestrange & Lucius Malfoy, Regulus Black & Narcissa Black Malfoy, Regulus Black & Severus Snape, Rodolphus Lestrange & Rabastan Lestrange, Scorpius Malfoy/Albus Severus Potter, Tracey Davis/Theodore Nott, Vincent Crabbe/Gregory Goyle
Kudos: 14





	1. Random Shit Part One

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you don’t know who Adrian Pucey is, he’s the Slytherin Seeker from the first book.

Salazar: Can I show you my Chamber of Secrets?

Helga: *blushing* See you later...

Salazar: Seriously? At this rate, no one will know where the Chamber is!

* * *

Ernie: You know you’re really pretty. *tuck her behind her ear*

Daphne: Move the hand, or you lose the hand.

Ernie: Got it. See ya!

* * *

Millicent: Apparently Americans do New Years resolutions. I thought we could try it.

Pansy: I’ll go first -

Tracey: You could be less of a bitch.

Daphne: Try being more proactive in class.

Astoria: You could clean up better.

Pansy: Well fuck you guys then.

* * *

Morgause: Hurt my sister and I will kill you without a second thought.

Merlin: *hands up* Okay then. Put the wand away.

* * *

Rose: *sarcastic* Help.

Scorpius: Albus?

Albus II: You can’t have her.

Scorpius: You kidnapped your own cousin? Why?

Albus II: Because I love you.

Scorpius: You’re so overdramatic.

Albus II: *eye roll* You call it overdramatic, I call it entertaining.

* * *

Abraxas: What are you reading?

Tom: A guide book on how to get away with murder.

Abraxas: Okay...? Have you taken your medication?

Tom: Nope!

Abraxas: Why are you reading that.

Tom: Because if you don’t leave me alone I might need it.

* * *

Andromeda: Did you really just pour the milk first!?

Bellatrix: Yes.

Andromeda: Only psychos do that!

Bellatrix: And your point is?

* * *

Blaise: End my suffering.

Theodore: What is it?

Blaise: Vince and Greg are having sex in the dorm.

Draco: I’m sleeping in the common room tonight.

* * *

Severus: Girls always pick the other guy and the better option is always abandoned so just don’t fall in love.

Tracey: You’re supposed to tell us about puberty.

Severus: I am. Just don’t fall in love and don’t have sex.

Vincent: What if you like someone of the same gender?

Theodore: They’re horny as fuck.

Pansy: I second that.

* * *

Slughorn: Welcome to the Slug Club!

Regulus: *looks around* This is lame. 

* * *

Adrian: Wanna treat me like a broom?

Marcus: Polish you after you splinter?

Adrian: No. 

Marcus: Then what?

Adrian: Ride me for hours on end.

Marcus: Oh. Nah, I think I’m good.

* * *

Rodolphus: Hi.

Bellatrix: No.

Rodolphus: So I was wondering -

Bellatrix: No.

Rodolphus: If you wanted to -

Bellatrix: No.

Rodolphus: Go out with me some time?

Bellatrix: Yes.

Rodolphus: Really?

Bellatrix: No.

* * *

Barty: *hugs Regulus*

Regulus: What are you doing?

Barty: Showing my love.

Regulus: Well stop.

* * *

Marcus: Knock out the Keeper. It’s the best strategy there is.

Blaise: Isn’t that predictable?

Tracey: Yes but all the other teams keep forgetting that they need to protect the Keeper because they’re too busy getting the quaffle.

Marcus: See. Best strategy.

* * *

Orion: *sits down*

Walburga: That’s my spot.

Orion: Its just a chair.

Walburga: That’s my spot.

Orion: What’s the big deal?

Walburga:

Orion: Fine.

* * *

Morgana: What would you do if you saw a basilisk?

Morgause: Kill it and make boots out of its skin.

Mordred: Try to befriend it.

Merlin: Close my eyes in the hopes of surviving...?

* * *

Lucius: *brushing his hair*

Narcissa: Merlin, even I don’t spend that much time on my hair.

Lucius: That’s because you think it looks decent enough the way it is.

Narcissa: What’s wrong with my hair?

* * *

Rabastan: Your girlfriend is crazy.

Rodolphus: Why do you think I love her?

* * *

Basilisk: I am so lonely...

Tom: I brought an assortment of rats and frogs.

Basilisk: I am no longer lonely.

* * *

James II and Lilly II: *burst in*

James II and Lilly II: YOU TWO ARE HAVING SEX!!!

Albus II: What?

Scorpius: I thought we were studying?

Albus II: Guess not.

* * *

Draco: Bros before hoes.

Vincent: My bro is my hoe?

Gregory: Why do you think I spend more time in his bed then my own?

Draco: Oh my Merlin! I didn’t need to hear that!

* * *

Daphne: I’m lesbian.

Astoria: Cool.

Daphne: You aren’t going to react?

Astoria: I saw you and Millie snogging. I connected the dots.

* * *

Random Student of G, H or R: *puts arm around Pansy*

Pansy: NOO!!! *punches them*

Pansy: Great. Now I broke a nail.

* * *

Sirius: Who is you?

Barty: Who is you?

Sirius: I’m Regie’s brother. Why are you in his room?

Barty: I’m his stalker.

* * *

Salazar: The school motto should be respectable.

Rowena: What about Latin? Everything sounds important in Latin.

Helga: Okay, what should it be?

Godric: *bursts in with a smoking beard* NEVER TICKLE A SLEEPING DRAGON!!!!

Rowena: That’s good advice.

Helga: And it’s sounds cool in Latin.

Salazar: You are all stupid.

* * *

Adrian: It’s simple. Riding a broom is like riding a bike. Just without the wheels, pedals, breaks or steering thing.

Marcus: There’s also no bell.

* * *

Lilly: Potter asked me out.

Severus: Oh I’m sorry.

Lilly: I said yes.

Severus: Fuck me dead with a chainsaw.

* * *

Theodore: I just asked Tracey out.

Millicent: Better luck next time.

Theodore: She said yes.

Millicent: Better luck next time for her.

* * *

Severus: Put your hand up if you’re dead inside.

Everyone in Slytherin: *raises hand*

Severus: Me too. Let’s learn how to make potions that’ll probably kill you.

* * *

Draco: *disarms Dumbledore and becomes the owner of the elder wand*

Dumbledore: *error*


	2. Random Shit Part Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again fellow snakes.

Cygnus: Which one of the unforgivable curses do you think causes the most pain?

Druella: Cruciatus.

Orion: Really? I’d say death is pretty painful.

Druella: But it wouldn’t hurt.

Walburga: Imperious.

C, D and O: Why?

Walburga: You could be forced to stab yourself over and over again with a hot poker.

Orion:

Cygnus:

Druella: But that doesn’t seem worse than the Cruciatus Curse?

* * *

Albus II: *does bad in classes*

Harry: *talking about how he could’ve done better*

Albus II: *goes into his room, closes the door and blasts Linkin Park*

* * *

Theodore: How do I get a girlfriend?

Blaise: Maybe if you were taller.

Draco: Change your hair.

G and V: How would I know?

Theodore: Real confidence boosters.

* * *

Slytherin Prefect: Hi first year.

First Year: Can you help me find Charms?

Slytherin Prefect: Sure. Just go down there -

Any Other Prefect: I’m sorry, are they bothering you?

First Year: No -

Other Prefect: Look, can you leave him alone?

Slytherin Prefect: They asked about where Charms was -

Other Prefect: Stop harassing the first years! Come on I’ll show you the way.

Slytherin Prefect: Fine then. Be like that.

* * *

Regulus: Ow!

Barty: Are you hurt!?

Regulus: Where did you come from?

Barty: Not important. We need to get you to Pomfrey.

Regulus: It’s just a stubbed toe!

* * *

Dobby: Hello small child.

Draco: *baby noises*

Dobby: You are officially mine to take care of.

* * *

James II: I can’t do it.

Scorpius: Do what?

James II: Insult you!

Scorpius: What?

James II: Insulting you feels like kicking a puppy!

Scorpius: It does?

James II: No! A bundle of puppies.

Scorpius: Why would you do that?

James II: Off a cliff.

Scorpius: That sounds terrible!

James II: Exactly!

Scorpius: Then don’t insult me!

James II: But I want to!

* * *

Hippogriff: *stands in forest for lesson*

Mordred: They said don’t pull its feathers.

Hippogriff: *locks eyes with him*

Mordred: Challenge accepted.

* * *

Leta: I’m a loser.

Newt: Hey loser, I’m looking for a way to lighten the mood.

Leta: That was both stupid and adorable.

* * *

Rabastan: All Slytherins had Hufflebuddies.

Bellatrix: Who did you have My Lord?

Voldemort: Uhhh... 

* * *

Draco: I have a stalker.

Astoria: I thought I was being so sneaky, damnit!

Draco: I meant Potter. You’re stalking me?

Astoria: No.

* * *

Ollivander: I think we can expect great things from a wizard as powerful as you.

Tom: That’s nice, you gonna give me my wand or not?

* * *

Millicent: Do I look nice?

Pansy: No.

Daphne: Not in that.

Tracey: Ever heard of dieting?

Millicent: Being friends with you does wonders for my self-esteem.

* * *

Sirius: My life is so hard! I’ve got great friends! I’m brave enough to stand up to my parents! But my family hates me!

Andromeda: Try being the original Black family disappointment. I had no friends and got disowned instead of running away.

Sirius: But you’re a Slytherin, so it doesn’t count.

* * *

Rabastan: What on Earth are you doing?

Lucius: Climbing a tree to make Narcissa notice me.

Rabastan: Why did I ask?

* * *

Merlin: Welcome to Slytherin.

First Year: This seems nice.

Merlin: Just wait until you see all of the Professors. They take away house points for the smallest things.

First Year: How does anyone earn points then?

Merlin: By not being a Slytherin.

First Year: Oh.

* * *

Justine: Hi.

Blaise: So you’re my Hufflebuddy?

Justine: Yep.

Blaise: Alright, let’s get ice cream.

* * *

Dumbledore: Prefects, lead the children to your dorms.

Marcus: Our dorm is in the dungeon.

Prefect: Sir, where do we go?

Dumbledore: I said the dorms. Ten points from Slytherin for not listening.

Slytherins: But the troll is in the dungeons!

* * *

Cormac: *eats grossly*

Blaise: This guys good at potions?

* * *

Severus: I am the Halfblood Prince.

Harry: You can’t just declare yourself royalty.

Severus: Prince was my mother’s maiden name.

Harry: That was insensitive then.

* * *

What people think Slytherins are like: Rule breaking scumbags that have no morals.

What Slytherins actually are like: Smart people that want to achieve certain things and know how to do it. 

* * *

Severus: It’s my birthday.

No one:

Not a soul:

Not even Lilly:

Severus: I’m lonely.

* * *

Tom: Hi dangerous snake.

Basilisk: Will you be my friend.

Tom: Goodbye dangerous snake.

* * *

Godric: Let’s choose elements for our houses to equate to!

Salazar: That is the dumbest -

Helga: That sounds fun!

Salazar: Did I say dumbest? I meant funnest.

Rowena: Be less obvious.

* * *

Slughorn: I’m planning a Christmas party.

Regulus: No.

Slughorn: And everyone in the Slug Club is invited.

Regulus: No.

Barty: So I hear you don’t have a date.

Regulus: Oh Hell no!


	3. Just More Weirdness Part One

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do you ever feel like you should say something but then have nothing to say?

Druella: *talking*

Cygnus: *spacing out*

Druella: Hey! *clicks fingers* Eyes up here buddy!

* * *

Albus II: I can show you the world~

Scorpius: Or you can show me the library. I need more books.

Albus II: 

Scorpius: Hello?

Albus II: I don’t know how to change the lyrics to fit that.

* * *

Random Guy: *flirting with Daphne*

Daphne: Sorry. You aren’t my type.

Random Guy: You don’t even know me that well.

Daphne: No I don’t. But I know you well enough to know you aren’t my type.

Random Guy: Well what is your type.

Daphne: *deadpan* Female.

* * *

Lily: Hi!

Regulus: Oh no.

Lily: What?

Regulus: You’re in the Slug Club?

Lily: Yes...?

Regulus: Damnit! Now Snape won’t leave me alone!

* * *

Random Guy: Hi.

Bellatrix: Hello.

Random Guy: I - Uh - Would you -

Bellatrix: A friend dared you to ask me out didn’t they?

Random Guy: Um... No.

Bellatrix: One.

Random Guy: Why are you counting?

Bellatrix: Two. 

Random Guy: You don’t scare me.

Bellatrix: Three.

Random Guy: *runs away*

* * *

Ravenclaw: You find a pig. What do you do?

Gryffindor: Kill it for food!

Hufflepuff: You would kill an innocent pig on sight!?

Gryffindor: If I need it for survival, then yes!

Ravenclaw: *sigh* No, no, no. You breed it so that you have an endless supply.

Slytherin: Or ignore it and go home. 

G, H and R: *look at Slytherin*

Slytherin: They never said we were homeless.

* * *

Astoria: Honey I’m home!

Draco: We’re you really the one saying that to me?

Astoria: Yep!

Draco: I think I’m starting to realise why everyone thought I was gay.

* * *

Abraxas: Hi - OH MY MERLIN WHAT IS THAT!?!?

Tom: A spider.

Abraxas: And you haven’t killed the thing!?

Tom: Now why on Earth would I kill Webitha?

* * *

Regulus: *does bad in CoMC (Care of Magical Creatures)*

Barty: I can help with that!

Regulus: *finds out about Christmas Party*

Barty: I can help with that!

Regulus: *hasn’t dated anyone*

Barty: I can help with that!

Regulus: Okay, this is borderline stalking!

Barty: No, this is actual stalking.

* * *

Merlin: Morgana, would you like to go out some time?

Morgana: Wait, hold on a second, you aren’t gay!?

* * *

Abraxas: Hi Mother, Father. This is Tom, my friend -

Tom: I’m not his friend.

* * *

Rabastan: I have so many questions.

Karkaroff: Like what?

Rabastan: Who was Voldemort’s Hufflebuddy?

Lucius: Oh my Merlin you’re right. 

Bellatrix: That was the only real question that has ever come out of your mouth.

Wormtail: What the fuck...?

* * *

Severus: How do I get a girl to like me.

Welks: Well you know how you have a very opposite to normal personality?

Severus: Sure...?

Welks: Well do the opposite of normal advice.

Severus: And what’s normal advice?

Welks: Be yourself.

Severus: Thanks for that.

* * *

Ernie and Justine: *start dating*

Theodore: They grow up so fast.

Blaise: Careful there. Wouldn’t want people to think you’re PMS-ing.

* * *

Albus II: I’m here! I’m queer! And I’m wishing you a happy motherfucking birthday!

Scorpius: That was sweet... I guess?

* * *

Godric: Cats or dogs?

Salazar: I’m actually more of a cat -

Helga: I like dogs.

Salazar: - cat hater. Dogs are the best! With their drool and face licking.

Rowena: Couldn’t be less obvious about it my friend.

* * *

Andromeda: Stupid mudblood.

Ted: Someone needs a hug.

Andromeda: No!

Ted: *hugs her* 

Later

Ted: So we’re married now.

Andromeda: Oh sod off!

* * *

Tracey: Why’d you call her a mudblood?

Vincent: Well -

Tracey: Is there mud in her blood?

Vincent: Let’s go with that halfy.

* * *

Regulus: *twists an ankle* Ow!

Barty: *taps on window*

Regulus: Wah!?

Barty: You need help with that?

* * *

Orion: Hello.

Walburga: Goodbye.

* * *

Millicent: How do you do?

Daphne: How do I do what?

Millicent: How do you do?

Daphne: How do I do what!?

Millicent: How do you do!?

Daphne: HOW DO I DO WHAT!?!?

Millicent: ITS A GREETING!!!

Daphne: Oh. Well I’m doing great, thanks for asking.

* * *

Adrian: Welcome to the Slytherin quidditch team.

Marcus: I’m the captain.

Adrian: So?

Marcus: Don’t you think I should greet them?

Adrian: Right.


End file.
